Chloe
I’m Chloe, I’ve got three boys, a six-year-old, a four-year-old and a ten-month-old lockdown baby.
I had fertility issues and then I had two years of failed fertility treatment before I had my first. We were at the stage we were going to go down the IVF route and so I’d stopped trying and we went on holiday and I forgot about it for about six months and it was just like there’s nothing will happen in the next six months until we try the next stage of treatments and then I naturally conceived.
I only managed it for about eight weeks and I didn’t have an enjoyable experience if I’m completely honest. It was nice for about three days and then it was exhausting and then it was really hard and then he didn’t want to so it got to about the eight-week mark and I thought if I can just give myself a break and just express, even just for a week, and then try and get him back onto it. But then I found iI was so stressed about it as well. I wasn’t actually producing that much when I was expressing or I’d try one time and only get a couple of ounces and then another time…i’d get about nine.
I knew the psychological effect was stopping the milk flowing when I was expressing because I was just miserable. It’s like every day … I’m faced with a new challenge. Just when I think I’ve mastered the next bit I’ll have something else thrown at me. Every single three of the babies…couldn’t have been more different. Looking back, oh god, like, the tears I went through and the feelings of regret and failure at the time and why. Why is it… the most natural thing, why can’t I do it? What’s wrong with me?
So Ezra, my middle child, he was literally your dream baby you couldn’t have asked for an easier baby. I actually didn’t plan to because of the experience I had before. I think I was in the mindset of just try. See if you can do it, at least so he can have the colostrum. And I thought I’m not going to put any pressure on myself. I was literally bedridden for two weeks… so I just laid in bed and just had him on me. That was easier than trying to sit up and bottle feed actually.
Partly, why I stopped to express him, was because i came up with a cyst on one side and developed mastitis and then that was just way too painful then anyway.
When I did make the decision, to just get him on the formula, all of a sudden we had all this lovely time together that we didn’t have because I was sat, like, stressing out.
It’s really funny because it’s only occurred to me over the last couple of weeks, like, the moments that I have breastfeeding the baby I’ve always seen… as an opportunity like, oh this is my little bit of me time. I’ll find myself on my phone. This is when I write poems and then it’s like I’m so busy writing them I’m not experiencing this, you know, I’m writing about it I’m not experiencing it.
I didn’t really have the support around me. Everyone was just like “Oh just get them on the bottle”. And they meant well, really. They could see I was having a really difficult time with it, and they thought that telling me this was the best thing for me.
It’s so bewildering for the first time. I mean I really do feel for those who’ve had their first during lockdown I feel like I’m lucky. This is the third time for me but for a new mother, not having that kind of interaction with other mothers as well. During my maternity leave, with my first, literally its what kept me sane. Just getting out and meeting other mothers who are going through the same. And just chatting about things and chatting about my own feelings. And how baffled I was about the whole situation… we’re all in this crazy situation together. And then obviously, third time round, because we were in lockdown and there was nowhere to go anyway… it made breastfeeding in an easier journey. It was almost like my permission to just sit down because it was so full on obviously having the other two at home. Yes it was it was like a little bit of me time.