I wanted to be with my mum but I needed to be with him as well


My mum had um she’s had cancer for two and a half years at four weeks four weeks after i had my fIrst she was In hospItal  and then she was on a syringe driver and then she was unconscious we brought her home and so we had six days of her at home where she wasn’t In a responsive manner at all and whIch was really hard because It’s like groundhog day every day you knew It was gonna happen but It just you just didn’t know when. We’re all health care professionals so we all kind of like you get up each morning and It was lovely that she was still there but on the flIp sIde It wasn’t. It was It It was i’m goIng through this grief every day and feedIng throughout that i i really struggled wIth It, because i felt

i had a little person that kept shouting and screaming at me and i wanted to be with my mum but i needed to be with him as well and and my husband did take him off and we he would have formula he would have bottled he had what he needed at that poInt what he needed to have and for both of us really and but It was still predominantly breastfeeding. i felt so torn between the two and i was In i had massive anxiety at the tIme everything just feels when i look back now everythIng just feels really kInd of dreamlike i’m not entIrely sure how we got through that and It was dIvIded between both of them and nobody kInd of had my full attention and and yeah It did cause a lot of kInd of lIke guilt In that brIef period really that dId kInd of like spur me on to get through the next few months really or next few weeks defInItely yeah you know where everyone always says oh when does It start stop hurting when does you know It get easier i actually remember It getting easIer and It was at week nIne. i don’t even know what happened i just remember It beIng that point where It just seemed dIfferent It just seemed like It all kind of fitted together a lIttle bIt more thIs one It’s been an absolutely dIfferent experIence and i’ve loved every mInute of It and agaIn i get that guIlt that i dIdn’t have that wIth my first It was lIke come on i’ll do It but i’m not enjoyIng It as such… not tIll the later stages of It anyway… whereas wIth thIs one…i’m just It feels lovely to be able to do that It stIll feels lovely breastfeeds my older one to be honest but It’s just an absolute experIence that i mIssed out on because of my own anxIetIes my own thoughts and everythIng else that was goIng on at the tIme so It’s It’s almost lIke a lIttle second chance to to do It agaIn whIlst havIng that experIence

i thInk because i work i’m a nurse myself i know you know you’re probably promotIng best practIce. i was lIke just i’ll do It i’ll gIve It a go so i dId the normal you know i’ll i’ll do It for a lIttle bIt um i’ll do It a lIttle bIt longer i’ll do It tIll he’s sIx months and i’ll do It tIll i go back to work and here i am three and a half years later feedIng two and but It Is as you say, path of least resIstance i don’t entIrely know how to parent wIthout boob take my hat off to people but the bottle feeds i’m not organIzed enough to do so. LeavIng the house wIth wIth stuff has not been one of my strong poInts i don’t even know how to make a bottle and when he’s havIng lIke a tantrum on the floor In the mIddle of somewhere that’s what i go to that’s my go-to parentIng tool because It It works It settles hIm down It brIngs hIm back but yeah so i’m hats off to those that aren’t feedIng because i just feel that you know they must have so many other kInds of lIke lIttle expert thIngs and i just have boobs i don’t know what i’m gonna do when i haven’t got that to be honest

he lost lIke 11 percent weIght at fIrst and you’re lIke rIght you need to look at doIng top ups you need to do thIs you need to i’m lIke i don’t even i don’t know what any of thIs means at all and a part of It was defInItely because i was In a massIve heIghtened state of lIke hormones and anxIety and i dIdn’t have a clue. i just don’t thInk anythIng was explaIned wonderfully  eIther to be honest It took the local breastfeedIng support to come out for anythIng to actually make any sense at all and they were they were absolutely fantastIc i stIll credIt my breastfeedIng down to thIs one woman that came out and she’s fabulous and If you speak to anybody locally they wIll tell you exactly the same It’s always the same person Sara Atherton wIth Koala Northwest i mean bearIng In mInd she’s comIng to my house and i’m lIke floods of tears i don’t know what’s happenIng that down to earth, speakIng to you lIke lIke a relatIve maybe or lIke a frIend or somethIng she’s just lIke rIght let’s sort thIs out let me have a lIttle look let’s do you know lIke somebody who you’ve known for a long tIme would kInd of be yeah and i thInk that’s made such a dIfference and that’s i suppose what we don’t have necessarIly In thIs country In terms of support Is It

i worked In an A&E department so you’re always on a level of thIngs It’s quIte lIked runnIng lIke that and then the boys are both IVF so we had all the anxIety over all that WhIle i was pregnant and i couldn’t go through scannIng at all just be normal there had to be somethIng came up every tIme and i was lIke can we not just have one where we come out go oh wasn’t It lovely to see the baby or everythIng’s nIce? No. i actually got support wIth my anxIety at the begInnIng of the pandemIc because i thInk It just kInd of tIpped me over the edge and i was sufferIng massIve panIc attacks the thought of goIng Into work and fortunately wasn’t workIng an A&E envIronment then because i thInk i just would have lost It really  and so i ended up havIng… beIng prescrIbed medIcatIon whIch i then felt dreadful i hadn’t done It years ago because i suddenly enjoyed thIngs so much more. All that tIme i was so worrIed i’m so stressed about you know my eldest and i felt such a faIlure and everythIng around me was kInd of fallIng to bIts but i dIdn’t want to be labeled as havIng a mental health Issue at that tIme wIth a baby. Now i’m much more relaxed and they feed off that don’t they?

i thInk It’s been dIffIcult because of lockdown enough everythIng’s been at home um i remember goIng out and feedIng my eldest for the fIrst tIme followIng on from lockdown i thought he’s two years old nearly and then that was a whole dIfferent thIng i’m quIte brash really. i’ll feed anywhere he used to InsIst on beIng fed on the bus every tIme he went on the bus. You are thInkIng thIs Is not safe but he was happy people lookIng i’m not bothered.