I can’t do this anymore. Get the formula out


 I can’t complain, really, but it wasn’t what I thought. And I had this theory, this theory that I will be this lovely hippie pregnant lady and everything will be glowing and lovely. And I was safe. I was tired. I was aching but he was 10 pound 14 born. This I didn’t realise so honestly the pains I had and the heaviness and like I’ve just wasn’t expecting to be this tired and me ribs they were investigating me liver was hurting was and and was something was wrong. But actually it was just because he was that tall and that big. He was squashing it.

So it was It wasn’t what I thought but I will do it all again a million times over. It has it’s worked out all right, but I’ve had me I’ve had me moments. So we were really lucky. We were quite smug in the hospital he latched straight on and the breastfeeding lady came out and I could hear her telling the other midwifes going ee that’s a dream that baby that is just latched. He knows exactly what he’s doing looks like you’ve done it before. We were like, Oh, brilliant. This is great. But then you get that fear later where you go home and you’re like, but what now? How do I know he’s really still latching great?. Am I Am I holding him right? Is he getting enough milk? Is this the right latch? What should I be looking for?

So that smugness went pretty quick.

Workshop, there was a free workshop. It was called blossom i went on. And so they did some slides and went through the different latches different holds. And then I really looked at all the slides before he came thinking I need to remind myself, but that was pretty much all I knew that and what other people tell you, but I’m learning fast that what other people tell you is all contradictory. And nobody says the same as somebody else. And you then get yourself in even more of a muddle.

Because I’d had an emergency C section and then it got infected as well. So it was things like oh, I can’t hold him that way. Right? That hurts. And you do I mean me sister, she got told all they’ve got to feed for at least an hour, every three hours. Whereas I got to told anything over 10 minutes. So then you think, Oh, have I not been feeding him enough? And you just go with it. And actually it’s much more pleasant to be around for me than when I was trying to stick to a routine. And force him into doing things that different people were suggesting. But no, it was always lovely from the word go and it’s our time isn’t it? It’s our it’s our time.

And that was the main reason I wanted to express so that the kids and Gareth could still do the feeding as well. But at the minute he’s all for boob anyways. Not really that keen on the bottle even when it’s Expressed. So I had the crack nipples but that was uncomfortable. But touch wood I’ve not had that since I left the hospital. And I had one lump the other day where it was painful. But luckily between that and expressing, I managed to get rid of that. So I have been really, really lucky. But maybe that’s because he feeds so much that there’s no time for anything to build up a block. Somebody said  once you’ve done a month you’ve cracked it. I do think that was right. Because I think it was that month bit where I had a couple of days I was like, Well, I can’t do this anymore. Get the formula out. Then you look at the formula. And you think no, actually like….the amount of different things to worry about there and get prepared. And actually, he’s nice and safe. And he does what he wants here. So then I go back to it.

And then like I said, when I thought actually you know what, this is a minefield, just do what you were doing then actually suddenly it’s cracked.

Yeah, but I had endometriosis. So I didn’t think it was going to happen. And in all honesty, so lovely surprise. So like I said, just never thought would happen. So I’d had, like accepted. That’s it and and then he came along I thought I had COVID at the start of last year. He was there’s no magic. I don’t know what it was. It was January. And we the whole we did the whole health kick of we’re going to eat healthy. We’re going to exercise. But it’s nothing I haven’t done before.

I’ve had every book on endometriosis. I’ve tried diets. I’ve tried X, I’ve tried different different anti-perspirants, because that is a different effect on your hormones. None of that’s ever worked before. So it’s like I’d love to have that thing where I go, ooh it could have been this, you know, but I honestly can’t think I’ve racked my brains. And I honestly can’t think what it was that I did different for him to come along. Even before I met Gareth had started to look at adoption and thought actually, I’m just going to try and start accepting things. And then funnily enough, I met Gareth, a month later after that, and then thought Wow, all right, brilliant. I’m really lucky. So I do think like you said a lot of it probably is that bit of I spent years trying to fix the endometriosis years trying to do all these different actually, I think accepting it probably was but again, how do you tell that to somebody who’s still trying to get their head around endometriosis, and wants a family, it’s it’s you have to sort of do that on your own, don’t you?

You can’t. You can’t just suddenly flick a switch and go right I accept it now you sort of get to a point don’t you? It was last January. So we were locked locked down and then we weren’t for quite a while so it wasn’t so bad and for me I could still get out and go for walks it no I think everything really was more eased at this time it’s it’s now where you think oh don’t let me down over Christmas when everyone’s dying to have their first Christmas with him and things like that it’s more now where I’m getting a bit like oh and but no Gareth was still allowed to come to appointments as long as you’ve got the negative lateral flow he was still allowed with us all of the time.

So that was the big thing when I first fell pregnant is Gareth said oh please don’t say I’m gonna miss all of this, please don’t say that they won’t let us in. So that was the big thing for us I moved here when COVID started. So I was all full of this. I was going to join these clubs and make some friends of me own I was like I don’t just want to rely on you and your family. He says that’s lovely his friends are lovely. They all included us I said I need to build my own life in the Wirral. And then we got locked down saying, Oh, I’m pregnant. I’ll have all these baby groups I’ll go to Well no, because they all got stopped because of Covid.

To me, I think it’s actually easier anyway.  It’s what he needs. You’re not worrying if it’s sterile. You’re not worrying if you’re allowed to reheat it or warm it. Honestly, the amount when I started looking up I was like what? It’s just that bit I think about going out and doing it. But we’ve breastfed on the beach and breastfed in the corner of restaurants so far. So we’re getting there with the going out

For me, I’m more worried about oh, I’m going to make them uncomfortable. And then I think what am I worried about them for? because last time we were breastfeeding on the beach because I was in a tiny little cafe. And I thought, oh we’re a bit  on top of each other what other people think? I’ll go and sit on the beach and do it. And I sat on the beach and all your the old men walked pass with all their dogs and I thought you know what, What am I doing? I may as well have just stayed where I was. I suppose like you say I’m always looking thinking, right where can I sit where I can get he’s going to be most comfortable.