by Sabrina
I’m just grateful that I was able and stubborn enough the continue to breast feed Isabelle. It hasn’t been the most enjoyable time that breast feeding is suppose to be. I think I had about a week of being able to enjoy the bonding and comfort of feeding her before it just all just turn into a constant struggle of self doubt if I was even feeding right and worry, having to have midwives suggest 1000s different ways to do it better. I was literally feeding her for 3 hours straight at times, the pain of feed her so much and the worry turned me into a zombie and she was never full.
I am not the most comfortable of people to feed around other especially in public, so to add that on top of feeling I couldn’t even do the basic of natural things properly and feed her right, made trying to constantly feed when out and about extremely difficult. Obviously I get others feel it’s not something they want to see when out but it wasn’t like I was able to wait to feed her in a toilet or hidden away in a quiet place when I chose to it was literally on a the necessity of her needing to feed. She was losing weight but feeding constantly for hours, which as she was only born 5lb 15 she couldn’t afford to lose any.
This all made sense when at 3 weeks old I got the phone call saying she had markers for Cystic Fibrosis detected on her heel prick test. In part I was relieved as it explained why all of this was happening but at the same time it hit home how breast feeding her wasn’t just about food it was literally keeping her alive, she was starving and I’m so grateful and relieved that I didn’t let anyone stop me from feeding her, that I didn’t give up.
Then within a week of being diagnosed and starting treatment for the first time in ages I was able to hold her and feed her without self doubting, not scared, worried or stressed. I just enjoyed sitting there getting lost in feeding her, which is why this holding time project appealed to me so much.
I’m so happy to of been apart of it, it’s been an extremely hard time and taking part in this has been a pleasure and helped me personally.
I am not the most comfortable of people to feed around other especially in public, so to add that on top of feeling I couldn’t even do the basic of natural things properly and feed her right, made trying to constantly feed when out and about extremely difficult. Obviously I get other feel it’s not something they want to see when out but it wasn’t like I was able to wait to feed her in a toilet or hidden away in a quiet place when I chose to it was literally on a the necessity of her needing to feed. She was losing weight but feeding constantly for hours, which as she was only born 5lb 15 she couldn’t afford to lose any.
This all made sense when at 3 weeks old I got the phone call saying she had markers for Cystic Fibrosis detected on her heel prick test. In part I was relieved as it explained why all of this was happening but at the same time it hit home how breast feeding her wasn’t just about food it was literally keeping her alive, she was starving and I’m so grateful and relieved that I didn’t let anyone stop me from feeding her, that I didn’t give up.
Then within a week of being diagnosed and starting treatment for the first time in ages I was able to hold her and feed her without self doubting, not scared, worried or stressed. I just enjoyed sitting there getting lost in feeding her, which is why this holding time project appealed to me so much.
I’m so happy to of been apart of it, it’s been an extremely hard time and taking part in this has been a pleasure and helped me personally.
Read more about Sabrina and see the portrait commissioned by rb&hArts here.